Airline Humor

This was from an email sent to me from John, some really made me laugh!

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture and announce-ments a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest
flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want)
passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
attendant announced, People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!
2. On a Continental Flight with a
very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and
gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the
cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants.
3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be
sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. There may be 50
ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane
5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride.
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted.
8. From a Southwest
Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised.
9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to
have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
11. Your seat
cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments.
12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!
14. Heard on Southwest
Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump, and I
know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.
15. Overheard on an American
flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
to the gate!
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our
airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, Sir do you mind if I ask you a
question? Why, no, Ma'am, said the pilot What is it? The little
old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?
18. After a real
crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal.
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop
from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a very smooth flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
GOD! ----- Silence -----followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry
if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!