I have about 6 blog posts I need to write and upload. Many with topics that are fun and festive. But, as I sit down to upload pictures, I can't tear myself away from Facebook and feeds and photos all detailing the atrocity in Connecticut.
I was in my own special little world this morning, with the kitchen/bonus room transformed into Santa's Workshop in order to wrap presents. I had just finished watching probably the 8th new Hallmark movie of the season and had very much enjoyed it. In fact, I turned to Facebook to say something about the fact that they've all been so good and made me tear up again. The tears then started come for a whole new reason as the facts unfolded online.
The "What If's?" started creeping in then. I thought about my own kids, my sister currently teaching, and began empathizing with the parents showing up on the scene and not finding their child among those that survived. I can't even write that without choking up.
This week began for me with another bad headache. I've been "taken
out" for at least 12 hour stretches (of daylight time) about once a week
lately with head pain. It's taken on different forms than the usual
neck kinks, morphing into sinus issues and the vice grip taking over my
skull. And, it's gotten worse. I look back at all the mantras I used
to say: "Well, at least I can go to sleep and always wake up with the
pain gone", "No matter, what "X" pain medicine will kill it if I take
it", or "There's never been a visit to Mom that I've walked away still
hurting" - none of that still applies. Instead, everything has just gotten worse. As I type right now, I find myself cringing
at the pessimism of these statements, because, right now, I'm not
hurting, so I'm not dwelling in that dark place and it's all gonna be
okay one way or another. BUT, in the midst of that time laying in bed,
being robbed of "life", but still having the capacity to dwell on these
thoughts - I go to that darkness.
And, let me just
say, that speaking from recent experience, jumping to the "What If's" is
not a productive use of my time. God has reminded me of the Manna he
supplied to the Israelites each day in the wilderness - that it was
provided new every morning, but could not be stored or kept, or found on
their own. God WILL find me through each day, but He gives no promises
to the thought processes that create scenarios of what COULD happen and
the worry I have of those possibilities.
tonight, I find myself grieving for the families. Again, I can't type
this sentence without tearing up. But, likewise, I refuse to give in
and dwell on the horror and the fear of how it could same day touch my
life. Instead, I will be PRAYING. And, I will be thankful and treasure
all that God has given me for today.
Like this video - of Brayden getting Whitley to full on laugh. Yes, I will treasure this.