Friday, December 14, 2012

Grieving and Treasuring

I have about 6 blog posts I need to write and upload.  Many with topics that are fun and festive.  But, as I sit down to upload pictures, I can't tear myself away from Facebook and feeds and photos all detailing the atrocity in Connecticut.

I was in my own special little world this morning, with the kitchen/bonus room transformed into Santa's Workshop in order to wrap presents.  I had just finished watching probably the 8th new Hallmark movie of the season and had very much enjoyed it.  In fact, I turned to Facebook to say something about the fact that they've all been so good and made me tear up again.  The tears then started come for a whole new reason as the facts unfolded online.

The "What If's?" started creeping in then.  I thought about my own kids, my sister currently teaching, and began empathizing with the parents showing up on the scene and not finding their child among those that survived.  I can't even write that without choking up.

This week began for me with another bad headache.  I've been "taken out" for at least 12 hour stretches (of daylight time) about once a week lately with head pain.  It's taken on different forms than the usual neck kinks, morphing into sinus issues and the vice grip taking over my skull.  And, it's gotten worse.  I look back at all the mantras I used to say:  "Well, at least I can go to sleep and always wake up with the pain gone", "No matter, what "X" pain medicine will kill it if I take it", or "There's never been a visit to Mom that I've walked away still hurting" - none of that still applies.  Instead, everything has just gotten worse.  As I type right now, I find myself cringing at the pessimism of these statements, because, right now, I'm not hurting, so I'm not dwelling in that dark place and it's all gonna be okay one way or another.  BUT, in the midst of that time laying in bed, being robbed of "life", but still having the capacity to dwell on these thoughts - I go to that darkness.

And, let me just say, that speaking from recent experience, jumping to the "What If's" is not a productive use of my time.  God has reminded me of the Manna he supplied to the Israelites each day in the wilderness - that it was provided new every morning, but could not be stored or kept, or found on their own.  God WILL find me through each day, but He gives no promises to the thought processes that create scenarios of what COULD happen and the worry I have of those possibilities. 

So, tonight, I find myself grieving for the families.  Again, I can't type this sentence without tearing up.  But, likewise, I refuse to give in and dwell on the horror and the fear of how it could same day touch my life.  Instead, I will be PRAYING.  And, I will be thankful and treasure all that God has given me for today.

Like this video - of Brayden getting Whitley to full on laugh.  Yes, I will treasure this.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

Steph, I know what you mean! I've "guarded my heart...and mind" since finding out the horrible news, because I couldn't cope if I allowed myself to dwell there. Jon and I went to supper alone tonight and that's all we talked about...the "what if's" if it happened at my school. I hope and pray "it" never does, but I KNOW that my GOD is able in all circumstances. I pray you feel better soon!:) Hugs!!!!