I'm not in a very good place right now as I'm writing this. I'm angry, upset, and feeling more than a little wronged by a couple of circumstances that occurred today. I probably shouldn't even bother writing, as it will undoubtedly arouse questions or guesses that may or may not be accurate, but given how therapeutic I find this blog to be sometimes - I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I should point out, first off, that I really don't have a big issue with anger. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, don't "boil" easily, etc., etc. I'm thankful for that, because this really isn't a pleasant feeling.
Secondly, for the record, let me say that these "mysterious offenses" were in no way meant to damage me - or should I necessarily take them personally. There will be no apologies, because circumstances wouldn't merit them. People and circumstances are what they are - I knew that going into them - and I need to deal.
Perhaps that's what I'm most bugged about. I want someone to say, "You know that wasn't right", but it isn't gonna happen. I could issue a big protest, but I guarantee, it really wouldn't do anyone any good. It's not even retribution I want - I just wish that people could sometimes see the bigger picture and how it affects people vs. the here and now, which sometimes just means the selfish gain.
So, as I sit here writing, I have to take it full circle and recognize what I'm meant to learn from today. Here's what I'm working on:
1.) First of all, facing "opposition" today should come as absolutely no surprise. John gave his testimony in all three church services today - and he did a phenomenal job. I believe it was the most comfortable I've ever seen him - and as a result - it just flowed. Well done, honey! However, as a result of his ministry opportunity - I found myself dreading the day. Dreading dealing with both kids in early service (comprised primarily of older people) as they wanted to be with me "to watch their daddy" but really that meant messing around for 60 minutes. I walked out of service thrilled for John but very upset with the kids. I also walked out in a hurry because I had to get Brayden changed for his game and head to an "un-ventured to" school and do something as a team parent (in terms of keeping stats) I'd never done. All this left me very unnerved and feeling quite selfish myself. EXACTLY what the ENEMY would want to do to take away from the victory John achieved and the bigger picture with what was accomplished.
2.) Second, my self-centeredness is just one of many things that I myself suffer from, so as I'm seeking to harbor bitterness towards others, I better start cleaning out my own heart. Could pride have a play in this? Perhaps. Could my own weaknesses or those of my own family be causing some of this anger? Yep. There's a whole lot of house-cleaning that needs to be done in my own heart right now.
3.) I need to, once again, return to managing my expectations appropriately. Many times I find myself hurt, I could have seen it coming. Sometimes people flat-out tell you how it's gonna be with them - and if you expect more, you'll be let-down. With others, it doesn't take rocket science to realize if you expect the opposite of what you've seen a person do over and over again, you're pretty much the fool.
So, there you go. Pretty much I need to get over it, and actually get around to doing some literal housecleaning (and perhaps focus on my heart-housecleaning while I'm doing it). I'm frustrated with myself that I'm allowing these things to spoil such a beautiful autumn afternoon and the happiness that my husband feels from sharing his heart in front of a congregation, so it's time to end the attitude and get on with a smile.
Thanks for listening to me rant. I know we've all been there, and it helps to know I'm not the only one who's fallen into this pit before.
As a bit of P.S. - I just got this awesome phone call from my daddy who wanted to address another key point in our book discussion today regarding THE SHACK. Whadyaknow, but it happens to center in on forgiveness and love of others..... Nice timing Dad - I sure love you!!!!