Sunday, September 28, 2008

Feeling Wronged

I'm not in a very good place right now as I'm writing this. I'm angry, upset, and feeling more than a little wronged by a couple of circumstances that occurred today. I probably shouldn't even bother writing, as it will undoubtedly arouse questions or guesses that may or may not be accurate, but given how therapeutic I find this blog to be sometimes - I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.

I should point out, first off, that I really don't have a big issue with anger. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, don't "boil" easily, etc., etc. I'm thankful for that, because this really isn't a pleasant feeling.

Secondly, for the record, let me say that these "mysterious offenses" were in no way meant to damage me - or should I necessarily take them personally. There will be no apologies, because circumstances wouldn't merit them. People and circumstances are what they are - I knew that going into them - and I need to deal.

Perhaps that's what I'm most bugged about. I want someone to say, "You know that wasn't right", but it isn't gonna happen. I could issue a big protest, but I guarantee, it really wouldn't do anyone any good. It's not even retribution I want - I just wish that people could sometimes see the bigger picture and how it affects people vs. the here and now, which sometimes just means the selfish gain.

So, as I sit here writing, I have to take it full circle and recognize what I'm meant to learn from today. Here's what I'm working on:

1.) First of all, facing "opposition" today should come as absolutely no surprise. John gave his testimony in all three church services today - and he did a phenomenal job. I believe it was the most comfortable I've ever seen him - and as a result - it just flowed. Well done, honey! However, as a result of his ministry opportunity - I found myself dreading the day. Dreading dealing with both kids in early service (comprised primarily of older people) as they wanted to be with me "to watch their daddy" but really that meant messing around for 60 minutes. I walked out of service thrilled for John but very upset with the kids. I also walked out in a hurry because I had to get Brayden changed for his game and head to an "un-ventured to" school and do something as a team parent (in terms of keeping stats) I'd never done. All this left me very unnerved and feeling quite selfish myself. EXACTLY what the ENEMY would want to do to take away from the victory John achieved and the bigger picture with what was accomplished.

2.) Second, my self-centeredness is just one of many things that I myself suffer from, so as I'm seeking to harbor bitterness towards others, I better start cleaning out my own heart. Could pride have a play in this? Perhaps. Could my own weaknesses or those of my own family be causing some of this anger? Yep. There's a whole lot of house-cleaning that needs to be done in my own heart right now.

3.) I need to, once again, return to managing my expectations appropriately. Many times I find myself hurt, I could have seen it coming. Sometimes people flat-out tell you how it's gonna be with them - and if you expect more, you'll be let-down. With others, it doesn't take rocket science to realize if you expect the opposite of what you've seen a person do over and over again, you're pretty much the fool.

So, there you go. Pretty much I need to get over it, and actually get around to doing some literal housecleaning (and perhaps focus on my heart-housecleaning while I'm doing it). I'm frustrated with myself that I'm allowing these things to spoil such a beautiful autumn afternoon and the happiness that my husband feels from sharing his heart in front of a congregation, so it's time to end the attitude and get on with a smile.

Thanks for listening to me rant. I know we've all been there, and it helps to know I'm not the only one who's fallen into this pit before.

As a bit of P.S. - I just got this awesome phone call from my daddy who wanted to address another key point in our book discussion today regarding THE SHACK. Whadyaknow, but it happens to center in on forgiveness and love of others..... Nice timing Dad - I sure love you!!!!

9 comments:

amy said...

-John did a great job today. What a testimony.
-Just breathe. That's what I am doing.
-I really enjoyed reading The Shack. It was an encouraging story. I loved the portrayal of Jesus.

Tawnya said...

Hi Stephanie, it's Tawnya. I did this same thing just last week. I went into my day with certain expectations and at the end of the day I realized that I got nearly nothing of what I expected. It didn't take me long (like you) to realize that I had set myself up by placing expectations on other people instead of taking care of my responsibility. In this case I didn't set limits on what I was willing to do. I had to own my responsibility for the "failed" day, even though it was actually quite successful as it gave me an opportunity for growth.

I love reading your blog and hearing about your family. Thanks for sharing.

Tawnya

Family O'Foxes said...

After church today (2nd service) I thought I need to get on and let you know that I heard your husband's testimony this morning. He did a great job. He seemed very real and sincere. I thought maybe I would "see" you and introduce myself after service but I didn't. I might not be brave enough to come up and say "hi, I'm the girl from the blogger." hee hee!

We've attended the same church for 12+ years and recently switched to 1st B. We came the first Sunday in June with Pastor Ben Cross spoke and we've been attending ever since.

Sorry you had a stressful day. :(

StephieAnne said...

Gosh, everyone thanks for the sympathy!

Tawnya - how sweet of you to comment! You've been in our prayers lately....

Amy W. - thanks for the encouragement regarding John - and "Foxes" Amy, since I was in the balcony at the first service, it probably would have been unlikely I would have seen you if you had tried to find me. We'll have to make that connection happen, though! What a small world. Ben is a wonderful pastor.....

Family O'Foxes said...

We sit in the balcony also since our kids classroom is right there (4/5 grade). We go to the second service so our oldest (7th grade) can attend the middle school.
We really enjoy Pastor Ben. Very similar to our other church we were very involved in.
Which Pastor was starting a church by the U of O? I was trying to remember to tell my husband (he was gone for a guys weekend with his bible study group).
~Amy

JustMe said...

Steph,

I believe that anger held in is what often leads to bitterness because it's not dealt with out in the light, but pushed into the dark where it becomes Satan's plaything.

And I relate to so many of your issues, although you are a step ahead of me in dealing with people. I've realized I only have one friend because I'm too scared of what you've gone through to even let people get that close to me.

Sometimes I get a little annoyed at God for using my hurts and rants to point a little spotlight at me and show me my "stuff." Totally Not Fair!

I guess if I go to the website in a few days I'll be able to hear John's testimony? Is it OK for me to do that? It seems a little intrusive somehow since he didn't set out to share it with me....

JustMe said...

p.s.

So what I'm saying is, don't apologize for this post of for venting to the appropriate listeners because I think that's the healthy way to deal with it, find perspective, and move on.

Don't think you scared me even farther from making more friends by my comment - I'm just a selfish person who saw my own shortcoming in your post, because I don't have this sort of letdown from others very often because I only have one close friend!

StephieAnne said...

Oh Goodness, Heather - John will share his testimony with the gas station attendant! The more the merrier as far as he's concerned- he loves to report what only God could do in his life. And yes, you should be able to go the First Baptist website (or I think Amy W. still has a link on her blog) to download it. There were about 7 testimonies - it was a great service.

Foxes Amy - it was Brett Gilchrist who made that announcement. I believe he is truly feeling the Lord's leading to meet the needs of the lost over there. He has a history with Campus Crusade for Christ so evangelism is a big part of his specialty.

Growin' with it! said...

boy steph, i don't know what to say. but if ya wanna talk...i'm home! hope you are feeling better this morning.