Monday, July 09, 2007

How Could I Ask for More?

When I was thinking of questions for the week, I thought about asking for a song title that best describes your place in life right now (do think about that one because it might just come up). The song title that came immediately to mind for me is the title of this post. A song I love - had at our wedding - and think about and sing all the time. The title alone speaks to how I feel about my life right now - I'm in summer as far as the year goes, and in a summer season of my life.

So, why does my mind not feel that way right now? I'm getting plenty of that endorphin-releasing Vitamin D sunlight from the sun, I have wonderful people surrounding me on a daily basis, the summer has just enough scheduling that I don't feel like I'm dangling on some abyss of boredom for two more months.... What is it?

I know this is going to change the subject a bit, but bear with me. I read in the paper last week about the relationship they are finding between weight gain and stress. Apparenlty, they conducted experiments on mice and if you fed a mouse junk food AND combine it with a series of high-stress situations (standing in cold water for an hour or being put in a cage for 10 minutes with an ALPHA mouse), the mouse gained much more weight - and the wrong kind of weight (full of nasty hormones and settling in right around the abdomen) than the mice who just ate the junk food. Isn't that interesting? To me, it explains why certain people might have a very difficult time losing weight who are struggling with so many other problems simultaneously. Even more, though, it tells me, once again, how detrimental stress is on the body.

And, I am believing that that very stress is going through a cycle in me. I was worked up for the run, tore myself down physically a bit after it (battled heat exhaustion headache all day), got quite antsy about a doctor appointment that ended up being exactly as easy as I thought it would be (I have a weak stomach lining which causes a lot of pain if I eat the wrong kind of foods.....), and then, yesterday, got myself too heated as well and nearly passed out. I think I've pointed out in previous posts that health issues are a weakness of mine. For many years, with the help of medicine and answered prayers, it's been kind of a non-existent issue for me. However, right now, I feel like my body is messing with me because it is feeling physically stressed. I, therefore, freak out internally about why it is freaking out physically - and get emotionally stressed out. And, then, my body reacts strongly to that and I have these sudden adrenalin rushes that freak me out even more. The end result, I am on edge, feel like crying, and can't figure out why in the world I feel this way - which makes me feel even worse. Has anybody else ever been there?

So, I think by admitting all of this to you all, as well as John and Michele - I'm already getting better. SO, SO, SO much of it is an emotional decision, but not all - which I have already addressed. In these times, it is an exciting thing to see how God acts, how He delivers, and it's a fresh time again to just trust in Him. Case in point, the Christian fiction book I picked up this weekend involves a soccer mom who must suddenly face an enemy that physically poisons by the words he suggests that mislead, manipulate, and direct her into believing in lies. Hmmmmm, how interesting that I happened to start reading just that book without knowing its content. Also, this from today's reading in the MESSAGE from Ecclesiastes 7: "On a good day, enjoy yourself; On a bad day, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won't take anything for granted." Yeah, that speaks to me.

So, quoting from the song - "Cause there are questions without answers, flames that never die, and heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise - so thank you Lord, how could I ask for more......"


HollieHobbie said...

Steph, thank-you for being so transparent. I am sure that was a hard post for you to write and find just the right words to come across properly, not whining, and not crazy. It was very eloquent, and something I have gone to write many times before but couldn't find the words.
You are awesome and in my prayers!

StephieAnne said...

Thanks Hollie, but just so you know, the post came out fast and easy - I think sometimes when you decide to be totally transparent - the words just flow. Thanks for your encouragement through my little "funk"!

YaYa said...

Dearest Stephanie, when I was traversing through your time in life, I often had physical issues. It seemed to be tied to stress, my cycle, what I ate......whatever! I definitely thought I was crazy. My family accepted them as "mom's spells" and learned to operate around them. At the time the doctors (they never discovered a cause- hence the feeling of being crazy) said it was "all in my head" and "it's just your body." I felt very betrayed by my body and very discouraged. Your post triggered with me because I would feel like some adrenalin or substance would shoot into my body and then I was toast for 24 hours. I never knew when it was going to happen, but usually when something special was planned (even happy stress can cause physical problems), then I'd have a spell and be down for the count.

Then I read II Corinthians 12:7-10 where Paul talks about the thorn in his side and how it kept him humble and dependent on God and His grace. For me I began to look at these "spells" or "episodes" in my life as God's way of keeping my eyes on Him. My life would get so hectic, and I would be out there operating on my own, in my own power. God would tap me on the shoulder and I knew I could do nothing without Him. I could only depend on Him, sing thru Him, perform thru Him, operate my daily life thru Him.

For me, I know I would never have met Him without these "spells." Thru them they have kept me grounded in Him all these years. I know that you daily spend time with Him and that your eyes are on Him. It's just a humbling reminder from Him that we operate best in our "weaknesses" in Him. All this to say, hang in there, it does improve with age, when some of those "substances" are no longer shooting thru your body. God bless you Steph, you are a wonderful Godly woman. Just know He will walk you thru your "funks." You are in my prayers.

Love, Judi

II Cor. 9-10 (NIV):
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

(Sorry for the long post, guess I need your email)

StephieAnne said...

Judi -

Thank you so much for your comment - yes, that is exactly it! I'm actually already feeling quite a bit better, but I so recognize that in these times of weakness my intimacy with and dependence upon the Lord increases so much. In fact, during the most desperate times of anxiety several years ago, my journal was filled with daily (and sometimes more) posts of need and praise to Him - that sadly is not the case when I'm so busy with a life full of happiness and carefree-ness.

So, like I said, it is an exciting time, even if my mind doesn't necessarily see it that way, to experience that special intimacy all over again. What I really need is a good Solace for the Soul right now! Guess I'll have to wait another few weeks.......

Thanks again, Judi - God bless you! (and I'm glad you put it on the comments - I'm sure your wisdom and experience is touching other hearts besides just mine right now!)