For anyone who knows my testimony, the BIG turning point for me in understanding Christ's place in my life occurred when I found out that I no longer lived by law, but rather grace. I had grown up a bit misguided in my faith due to the teachings of my grandma believing that every act of "devotion" to God was being kept on some huge Star Chart in Heaven, and likewise, everything I did wrong was being recorded as well. I lived in constant fear that if I didn't read my Bible at night, actually enjoy the Bible Trivia game Grandma wanted to play with us (that I did horrible on without the help of Sunday schools growing up), or confess any known sins, were I to be hit by a bus, I would end up in Hell. As a result, when the "dawn of understanding" came the day after a very special retreat, it was an awakening for sure. The idea that my acts for God were coming from love and not duty was HUGE - and all of a sudden, I wanted to do all those things - read my Bible, learn about God, serve Him, sing to Him, pray to Him - it all changes when you recognize the right motivation.
That has been a recurring theme for me over the years. I find that if something is my idea, I am much more apt to give it all my heart and follow through no matter how long or hard the course. But, the minute that it is somebody else's idea for me (i.e. - being paid to do it vs. volunteering, trying to meet "higher than you'd rather go" expectations of others, or just plain old "do this" orders), my attitude can take a real nosedive.
I think God is working on this with me. Perhaps He's saying, "Even if it is coming out of someone else's mouth, it is still MY request for you, will you please consider doing it on my behalf...." - and I'm not really listening. Instead, lately, I've just been getting really ticked. Ask Lisa, there has been a LOT of grumbling on my behalf lately because I've really been feeling used by people to accomplish THEIR tasks without regard for whether or not I'm on board with it.
The latest of these examples occurred yesterday when I received a letter in the mail telling me I had 48 hours to round up 11 volunteers for Brayden's school carnival. It was supposedly my job because I am the "room parent". But, I NEVER VOLUNTEERED TO BE ROOM PARENT! Way back when, in October, I got a similar email TELLING me I was room parent and what I needed to have done for the Harvest Party. That didn't sit well either, but I grumbled my way through the task. Yesterday, I was livid. I have to give a bit of back-story and say that my relationship with Brayden's school isn't super. I have loved his teachers and really like what I'm seeing out of the 2nd grade curriculum, but I have very little respect for the principal or the way things have been run by the PTC. So, I suppose, I already had a chip on my shoulder going into this thing.
I sent an email back yesterday to the woman who "assigned" me as room parent. I questioned how that was determined and tried to firmly but politely indicate the principals I have above described. However, this morning, I woke up feeling guilty and hopefully softened things a bit with another short emal indicating that I felt like I had been too harsh, I appreciate much work needs to be done, and for the record, I appreciate all of the effort she has put in..... I think that must have been the Holy Spirit working.
As for those 11 volunteers, I spent over an hour last night calling every family in Brayden's class to see if they could help. I only filled half the slots and I guess that will just have to do. The carnival is the night of our anniversary and we'll be heading out of town for the weekend to the coast. I wonder if I'll get fired because I didn't get my job done right, one can only hope.....