Friday, February 21, 2014


Sorry, again, for it being so long since the last post.  There's the day to day little Instagram pics of outings with Whitley (which I'll post soon), but beyond that, nothing of great significance has been going on around here that's incredibly noteworthy to blog about.

This month, already, our rain total has beat out any one month in over a year.  Over 7 inches so far.  We need it - our "Green Oregon" has not had enough rain/precipitation to maintain that status through the summer.  I guess most of the state is now in "Severe Drought" circumstances vs. "Extreme" - after all this rain, which is really hard to fathom when there are signs of flooding everywhere.  But, I have to keep this in mind, because, I am SO READY for some sun.  Yeah, I could start summer now.

Which, I think, leads me to the title of this post.  I'm pretty sure that's one of the underlying causes of feeling so depleted lately.  I need me some sunshine Vitamin D, STAT!

Beyond that, there's also some other contributors to this feeling that is NOT depression or anything like that - just kind of a "running-on-empty".

1.)  Brayden.  Oh man, do I love that kid.  We went to see the "Lego Movie" last weekend as a family and he proceeded to download the video game and "finish it" by the end of the weekend.  He wanted us to watch, play with him - and I kept thinking, this kid is almost 15 - how blessed are we that this stuff still appeals to him - much less, us as parents being an appeal.   

However, he also makes me want to pull my hair out, and has led to a lot of pre-sleep stress this year.  Despite every "routine" and "plan" to stay on top of school work, he still ends up with stuff missing, grades on tests that are abysmal and I just want to cry when nothing seems to work to get him consistently moving on the right track.  Which, therein lies the problem.  He's very ADHD, so he's not going to be consistent or stay on track.  Every day is starting over to manage his choices and keep his mind focused to do everything (he really is not intentionally blowing it - or purposely skipping assignments), and then, of equal importance - turn it in (with his name on it)!  It's maddening, and I'll tell you, when I look at the grades online, I brim over with such aggravation (and anger) at him, and then when I get him picked up or he walks in the door, it all dissipates so quickly as I realize he feels bad, didn't even know there was a problem, and really does want to be on top of things.  

It's such a two-edged sword, because I'm constantly second-guessing my own lack of follow-through in making sure every day everything is accounted for.  I definitely err in trusting him that when he says its all taken care of, I believe it.  Mom guilt.  It sucks.

(And, just as a nice case-in-point, his lunch was left in the car this morning, there's always least he won't get graded-down on that....)

2.)  My weight.  I've never stayed plateaued at this high of weight in a time period where I'm actively working on it.  And, the scales are just cruel.  (But, it's not just them, the fit and feel of this body is just sad).   On weekends, I've definitely done some backsliding, but during the weekdays, I feel like I've done everything right that should show me some positive results.  I've researched, read articles, purchased "probiotics" to get the good bacteria working in my gut, am eating high in protein, bypassing anything fun in the evening hours - and working out.  Sigh.  I know it's a matter of time and discipline and eventually thing will fall into place (or fall off, in terms of pounds), but the lack of progress has me feeling very weary and, to be honest, consumes a lot of my thoughts.

3.) And, then there's Whitley - who even as I'm typing, insisted she be in my lap.  This child brings me so much joy.  The kisses, the hugs, the smiles - and yes, the constant show of affection that suggests I "hang the stars" as far as she's concerned.  It's overwhelming in an awesome way.  However, on the flip side, she is BUSY.  In mere seconds, she'll be in to that one thing that is most dangerous or off limits.  She does not want to be contained.  Shopping is NOT fun with her, though I keep trying.  She hates the carts now, wants to run down aisles, and is not really interested in pondering over what scarf would look best this spring season.  Instead, and I admit this with more guilt, she "rearranges" things, sucks on things, and even breaks things at stores - all the while making me feel like a horrible guardian (not to mention citizen).   Even hanging out with friends to chat is becoming increasingly more difficult.  When we were at the Trinity House, I'm pretty sure she broke their sewing machine and printer while I tried to chat with Alesha and Alexa.  When I was with Christi, she loved all of Elsie's stuffed animals and toys, but then proceeded to throw them at the not-even-three-month-old baby....and let's not even talk about the steep set of stairs she was determined to plummet down.  

She is a TODDLER, through and through - and keeping up with her is HARD!  There's a constant state of "everything-half-completed", or "half-attempted", or conversations "half-hearted with "half-a-mind" as at least half needs to be tuned in to what she's up to.  This state of being is not very conducive to my sense of well-being as it doesn't result in many satisfying endings - or endings at all.   But, what I'm typing is no new news to any mom of a toddler - this is a feeling shared by billions of moms (and dads and caregivers) everywhere at this age, and I have to remind myself the gift this all is at teaching me to live in the moment and realign how I see fulfillment.  It's a work in progress, but so very much worth the effort.  More than anything, I'm realizing how God has put my husband and kids as my first ministry priority and then Whitley is definitely next in line in terms of ministry. Her well being is priority over all the stuff I put in my Daytimer, the people to meet with, etc.  That's what I firmly believe God not only has called me to, but fervently wants me to recognize.  He's been at that "life doesn't fit perfectly in a schedule book mentality" for several decades now! 

As for the good stuff - there really is lots of that too.  John is doing so much better - feeling more healthy and energetic and things are picking up at work to feel like they are heading into a very good direction.

- Mikayla is doing great and headed to a Middle School snow retreat with Nati this weekend.  All of our rain has produced lots of snow where they are headed and it should be perfect conditions for them to have a blast doing the sled runs on Saturday.  Her and Nati are so excited - and I'm excited for them to have each other and such a fun opportunity.

- My Thursday Night Ladies continue to inspire me and fill my heart.  It has been a very trying season for a few, and then, on the flip side, our dear Elaina is on her honeymoon with her husband!  Living life with these women is so priceless.

- John and I get a "Date Weekend" - courtesy of some Harlow Auction purchases.  Gift certificates for a hotel stay along the river, dinner at a great restaurant, going to see the Jack Ryan movie....definitely all combining for a recipe of much-needed time away with my love beginning tomorrow morning.

- On Sunday afternoon, John and Brayden will be headed to Portland to attend a TobyMac concert together.  They are so pumped.  As for me, well, I'll just be happy to have Michele around as she needs to drive down to pick up Nati.  =)  (She's doing great too, by the way, now teaching in an "official capacity" at middle school in Dallas and LOVING it...I'm so happy for her....)

- We are out of January - and almost out of February.  Bring on March, some warmer temps, and some sunshine.  It will probably fly by with two out-of-town volleyball tournaments back to back, a potential family trip to the coast (more auction items to redeem), and then spring break - with hopefully, both kids serving at Harlow for the week.  Lots and lots to look forward to.

So, there's me - in the essay I would have been better off spacing in small increments over the last two weeks vs. one long-winded post.  


From the Ground Up Life Coaching said...

Hi there. Just read your blog for the first time. First, HUGE hugs to you. Feeling depleted is not fun at all. You are right, mom guilt is so hard, but rest assured that the clearer you get on where you stand with having to "re-teach" your son, the clearer he will be. Boundaries are crucial. Much much love to you, from one mom to another.

Shanna said...

With a 3, 4, and 5 year old, I SO identify with #3 on your list, and it's been this way for years. :) Especially never finishing anything. So tough trying to find a balance, but definitely so rewarding like you said.