Monday, October 21, 2013

Not the Best Start to Our Week

It would be really nice to someday get to that point in our marriage that the first 20 minutes of an argument between John and I would actually be spent addressing the point of the disagreement vs. hashing through the hyperbole (mis)statements, list of irritations that have come up once we knew an argument was pending, and general anger at one another manifested through not listening, cutting in, or raising our voices. 

But, alas, even after 17 and a half years, we haven't gotten there.  Maybe if we practiced more.....

KIDDING!!!  Definitely wouldn't want to do that.

Last night I found myself at that stupid place of discontent that comes when you are just in "lazy mode" and find that having the opportunity to do absolutely nothing isn't even bringing satisfaction anymore.  That's a serious indication that I have the problem and no one else, and even though I knew that to be true, my attitude ignored the memo and therefore I let it start spewing over to others.

So, in my own view of what's fair and what's not, when I finally decided I ought to be productive with my time and start preparing for the week ahead, it only seemed right that every one else in the family ought to be at the same place.  How dare they continue to find satisfaction in their time of "doing nothing" and just relaxing?  (Something we are all supposed to have the right to do...especially on the "day of rest" that is Sunday!) 

That led to noticing issues that hadn't been addressed - that I felt ought to be.  Throw in a request by John to look over something he was really proud to have personally accomplished (that didn't fit into my value of what would benefit the family/house/cleaning projects), that I OUTRIGHT REFUSED TO HONOR HIM BY LOOKING AT IT....(I am such a bad wife!) - and there you go, the origins of an argument.

You know, one of the great mysteries of life that just keeps getting more and more proven as I get older is how two people can be in the same circumstance and see it from such a different perspective.  I understand when it's two people who are immensely different, but two people who love each other so much and deep down they know they only want what's best for each other?

Proof of the ENEMY at work is how I define it all playing out.  John and I have been in such a good place lately - proud of the team we've been as we weather obstacles that we didn't see coming and being of one accord.  Of course, it's not going to last indefinitely.

The saddest thing about it all though - is that any pent up frustrations over "quirks in his character" that I felt the need to point out last night don't ever add up to the same level of misery I feel in hindsight when I know my words have wounded him.  I've hurt my best friend, my life partner, the man I love with all my heart.  It sucks.  I wish I could take it back.  But, I know God will ultimately use it all for some bit of good - even if it's just another cautionary tale I have in my armory to pass on to the gals I meet with so that they may prevent the same thing from happening someday.

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