"For Such a Time As This"

While I touched on a bit when it was addressed in the comments on the "Whitley Olivia" post, I haven't specifically put up a post as to how it all came to be that Whitley has become a part of my life on a week-"day" basis.

I described how we all greeted Travis and Stephanie with hugs and tears on Christmas night 2011, when they realized the unbelievable truth that they were going to be parents and have a baby.  This wasn't supposed to happen, this wasn't part of their plan....and yet, God, in fact, designed it to be THE PLAN.

And...within moments of their announcement, I absolutely felt God inviting me to participate in that plan.  We all knew that the fears they had regarding their capabilities of being the "perfect parents" (which they are) would be something God would transform over time, likewise - all of the adjustments to how life would change so radically in simply being parents.  However, the one thing that would need a tangible solution was how they would take care of a baby when both of them needed to continue working full-time.  Knowing Steph's mom, ("Ladybug Grandma") already had her hands full with Steph's three nieces did not make that option optimal by any means - and Travis' family all works full time. 

I do not work away from the house full time.  While I had put time in subbing here and there that year, it was a job that was not "taking off" - and many times, felt like it was more effort than it was worth between trying to meet the needs of my own kids when I was working and the physical toll of headaches/emotionally draining aspect of it.   Blessedly, God has provided for us in the position John has at Tyson Steele enough to recognize that the income I was providing wasn't going to make or break us.   While I've kept myself pretty busy with mentoring college students, by no means did it ever "fill my schedule".  So, God nudged me.  And, I knew immediately what my answer would be, irregardless if the option was ever something Travis and Stephanie felt led to pursue.  If they wanted me, I would be there for Whitley.  "For such a time as this" kept re-playing over and over in my head - this was my time to be available.

I talked to John the next day about my thoughts, clearly it would influence our whole family.  He had no reservations, and no hesitations.  He 100% agreed with me, that if God was leading me, then it was something I should offer to Travis and Stephanie right away.  I didn't know it at the time (though I suspected), how very worried they were over who would be the one spending time with their child while they were at work.   I offered, they said, "Yes" - and there you go...I got to be an active part of the miracle that is Whitley Olivia White.

While it was obviously something God placed upon my heart, it didn't escape my head what this would mean for me and my lifestyle.  I've been through the infant stage, the baby stage, the toddler stage, the pre-school stage with not only my two kiddos, but being around Michele's kids.  Oh, the sleepless nights, the breast-feeding, the mastitis....WAIT A MINUTE....that's not my problem!  Yeah, that's right, I'm the one who gets the baby in the morning and gives her back early evening, and none of those breast-feeding issues (which were a lot of issues) would be mine to deal with again - much less any impact upon my sleep.  Well, with that in mind, "I've got this!".

Of course, that's way simplifying things.  I mean reality is a whole different story.  Because the one thing I forgot to take into account was....

...THE AMOUNT OF PLASTIC BABY ITEMS STREWN EVERYWHERE I LOOK!!!! 

Hee-hee - obviously, that's all said with sarcasm, but to tell you the truth, that is the ONLY aspect of this arrangement that I wish could be a little different (If only we had one more room....or a garage that isn't full to capacity already....).

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When I first agreed to this, and began sharing with other people how my personal life would be influenced by the arrival of Whitley, I was met with so many expressions (spoken or unspoken) of "Really, are you sure about this?"  No, but God was - and is.

Sometimes I'd tell those inquirers a few of these reasons why, but mostly, they've merely filled my heart and soul with the marvel over God's love being so rich and so deep that He gives us what we don't even know to ask for.

The time span in which my kids were babies through pre-school is among the darkest and hardest of my life.  Not because my kids were rough - on the contrary, I had incredible babies that were full of joy and quite generally happy.  But, therein lies the problem - I can't even fully remember what my babies/toddlers were like.  Seriously, my memory is so cloudy of those days because I was SO FILLED WITH FEAR.

• I was insecure - and therefore defensive and uptight over all of the ways the people around me were raising their children and how my methods seemingly failed.  My (unbeknownst to us at the time) ADHD son didn't follow any schedule.  He fell asleep with the bottle and ate all the time.  Both our kids spent a lot of their sleeping time next to us at night.  I didn't offer food that was only organic and even let them have sweets.  Vegetables?  I wasn't a fan, so it wasn't something I wanted to overly push on them.  (Shocking - today, they aren't fans).  I loved my kids, rarely ever wanted to not have them around me, but would have loved at any given moment if someone else wanted to play with them (in my presence, so I could have them near me) - because I don't really love to play "pretend" - Oh, and yes, tv and video games were definitely a part of my kids' lives....even in the car (because during those years, John worked for the company that pioneered the automotive VHS/DVD players).   I didn't measure up to what I believed were the world's standards as to what a "good mom" was.
• I felt alone.  This changed after about Brayden's first year, but initially, I was one of the first of my then "peer group" to have a baby.  It changed everything and I felt so isolated at home.  I lived for the times I could spend with Michele, which due to John's very heavy travel schedule, were quite frequent for weeks at a time.  My normally busy lifestyle radically changed to turn into a calendar full of "blanks" - and it scared me to death to look at all of those empty days with just me and a baby - and what on earth I would do to fill all that time. 
• I didn't feel like being "just a mom" was enough.  I had been teaching - which offered measures of success and fulfillment.  What did I have to show for my "performance" at the end of any given day just being a mom?  It wasn't enough.  So, I turned to other things.  Little known fact, Michele and I actually co-wrote a novel with aspirations for publication at that time, in an attempt to prove that the co-class valedictorians of the class of '90 at Thurston High School had something more to show for themselves than dirty diapers, burp rags, and minivans.  In that same vein, I felt like "all this extra time" should at least be used for "God's Kingdom" by pursuing Women's Ministry and trying to jump through the hoops that the church had in place to be among "leadership".  That's information for another blog post, but it was a mess.  It only added to more feelings of being judged as a mom - and found inadequate.  Furthermore, I felt like I should be out shouting to everyone I knew about the love of God, but I was so isolated, I didn't have anyone to turn to.  Again, I could write a whole other blog post about how a joyful spirit attracts more to Christ than any sort of agenda I had - but, instead, I was so determined to prove myself worthy, all of that truth was lost on me.
• Finally, and most significantly, I was unhealthy.  Physically, my body was depleted because my son literally sucked me dry with his constant eating.  I produced a ton of milk - which made for great weight loss, but left my body falling apart.  By the time Brayden was six months old, I was CERTAIN I had MS, Lupus, Leukemia, Rhumatoid Arthritis or Parkinsons.  It all depended on the day as to which diagnosis I'd run with, but I certainly exhibited symptoms that could have led you to any of those conclusions.  This was when my neck began having issues - I had a herniated disk and while chiropractors would adjust to help things, one pick up of my son in his car seat would throw it all off again.  (He was nearly 10 pounds at birth).  That led to all sorts of very strange issues with hands shaking, going numb in extremities, etc.  Scary.  
• Whether you would say it's a result of undiagnosed post-partum depression or anxiety that had never surfaced in such a way - I was in a very bad place emotionally/mentally.  When I think back on those days with my own kids, so very much is remembered as if I was wearing shaded glasses- with a dark pallor cast on all of it.  Because, that's where my mind was.  In a dark place.  Not one vacation taken during that time is missing a hidden "subplot" of how I thought I was sick or dying.  In Boston (Brayden age 6 months), I could barely get out of bed with all of the ways my body was achy and exhausted.  In Yellowstone (Brayden age 18 months), I was sure I had breast cancer.  Nobody had explained what fibroid masses were - how they were benign (and most likely a result of mastitits scar tissue) - all I knew is that I had lumps in my breast and might not ever see my son grow up to get married. Every day was plagued with worry.  And, as is the horrible "Catch 22" of anxiety- it is a self-fulfilling prophecy in terms of creating physical problems for your body.  By the time Brayden had turned four years old, my heart would race without reason, "hiccup" and "somersault".  I would feel my pulse and it would be as if it would just stop - and then race.  At the same time, I was suffering the effects of a gallstone (that eventually went away on its own).  However, the cause of the chest pressure, pain, etc. was a mystery to me - hence, suffering from a heart attack was my new reason for panic.  By the time I finally saw my doctor to reveal just how bad off I was, I was crying in her office, with the highest blood pressure I've ever had in my life.  I explained more of the final solution to this in this post, but recognize that it wasn't discovered until after my son's fourth birthday.  SO MUCH TIME LOST.

My heart hurts over having lost all of that.  I kept a journal, and scrapbooked, so the highlights were preserved, but my journal is mostly filled with my own despair and pictures can't capture the memories of what moment by moment life with my little ones was really like.

And, now, I get a second chance.  She's not my baby, but I get to remember with each smile, giggle, and cuddle.  And, the beauty - the amazing miracle, I get to do it alongside of my own (shockingly well-adjusted despite my inadequacies!!!!) children.  Every day with Whitley exposed to Brayden and Mikayla gives me more and more discoveries of the wonder of my own kids along with, obviously, Whitley.   (I think it's pretty obvious based on all of the Instagram/Facebook pics I put up).  

I get to love on a baby and watch her grow with NO insecurity.  (Afterall, if she throws a tantrum in a store, I can always say, "Oh, she's not MY daughter....!")  I've been there, done that - and, nowadays, there's no time or purpose for insecurity. 

In a crazy twist of irony, exclusively caring for a baby is now my number one purpose, "job", and ministry.  Obviously, not at the expense of my "biological family", but in unison with it.  I don't, in any way, second-guess the importance of this roll I've been given.

In addition to all that, I get to see life again through the wonder of a baby - and marvel in her growth and changes.  I'm going into this no longer thinking, "this phase will never end and I will be changing diapers and cleaning binkies for the REST of my life!" to, "hold on and cherish this moment - and know that, unbelievably, tomorrow might be even more extraordinary".   I'm still relatively "new" to this roll, and only time will tell, but I am optimistic that even my feelings about the gray-ness and bleak days of winter will be somehow sunnier with Whitley in my day-to-day life.  I'm also recognizing the little lessons God is teaching:  That even though it may have worked this way once before, or how I thought I could make it work, God might have a different strategy He wants to guide me to follow.  Patience and stress....I thought I was really doing pretty good with these qualities, and then I try to balance two fighting siblings and a crying infant and realize I've got a ways to go.   Living in the moment - this is a big one.  Not only must I force myself to not envision a future outcome in which I will have inadvertently failed Whitley or allowed an accident to happen, but I also need to let go of the "to do" lists I'm used to compiling in my head and not equate success with how many are crossed off.  There will be a time to accomplish all of them (which definitely reduce exponentially after the holidays) - and I may actually find myself more productive in knowing I have pockets of Whitley "nap time" where I can race through a few chores at a time without getting overwhelmed with how to get everything done in one day.

I could go on and on (as I have already), but I think you'll see post upon post in the future that will give evidence on its own of all of the many more amazing ways Whitley's presence in my life will give me reasons to be thankful.   I'm already truly in awe....

WON THE DAY!!!

I think the high in Eugene yesterday reached a brisk 32 degrees - quite the contrast to where the boys were partying it up in Phoenix where the temperatures hovered around 70 degrees.  Lest you think I sound jealous, really, I'm incredibly happy for them to have this time together and despite my love for the sun post-Christmas, was happy to be at home with Michele for the game.

John sent me this pic of Brayden via text, displaying "our boy" on the cover of the program.

I know that John will have a ton of I-Phone pics to provide for me to put up when he returns tonight (he wisely chose to leave the big camera at home - last year it had to be "checked" when entering the stadium).   However, I found this picture on Facebook of my boys posing with Josh and Christi Skow.  These two are fantastic - and we love keeping in touch with them via Facebook and Christmas cards.  What a crazy thing for John and Brayden to be able to connect with friends we met as young married couples sharing a Sunday School class "back in the day" in a stadium of thousands of people.  They were were actually seated two rows back.  And, yes, they are Kansas State fans - I think that's where Josh went to school.  Eugene was just a chapter in their cross-country adventures, as they followed a job position Josh was led to at the time.  However, Josh told John that their eldest child is an avid Duck fan - as he was born in Eugene and insists that's "his team".  He'll get the last laugh in their family based on the outcome of the game.

(Brayden looks a little dazed in this picture.  I'm pretty sure it's not just that it's a bad pic...the reality is that due to all the airline chaos, he went into the Fiesta Bowl Game with one hour of sleep....  Yes, our son is an otter, and loves to play to no end....and does evade sleep whenever he gets the chance, but by the time the game was over and John called from the hotel at 10:30 - he was SPENT!)

Another online picture grab - of Kelli and Brian Ross supporting Kenjon.  Clever!

These pictures are courtesy of Eric Evans Photography, posted on Facebook....

Obviously, you'll see the recurring theme of #24.

The Ducks started the game with a bang, having DeAnthony Thomas run back the opening kick for a touchdown - and then a 2 point conversion.  Eight points on the board before our offense even took the field.  However, Kansas State seemed to take control (despite what the scoreboard said) until a minute before halftime.  Within a minute, the Ducks had scored a touchdown, and never looked back from there.  

Kenjon was amazing in the second half (the play calls kept him from getting many carries in the first half).  He'll go down in many of the Oregon records second only to LaMichael James for most yardage, etc.  

How bittersweet that this is the last time we'll see him wearing Oregon gear playing as #24.  He will be missed - of course by the team - but, most definitely by our family.

The final score of the game was 35-17.  Many of the commentators believe we should end up as #2 in the country when all is said and done with the BCS Series.  How we would have loved to have had a chance again at the National Championship, but we proved what we needed to in Glendale - and ended strong.

Yes, indeed - the Ducks WON THE DAY!

It's Fiesta Time!

Right now, my boys are en route to the Fiesta Bowl in Glendale, Arizona.  I'm not sure if they are there yet, as United Airlines has done a number on them with their connecting flight from San Francisco to Phoenix....(I keep getting email updates indicating flight delays).  I'm pretty sure they're rolling with it though - all part of their adventure.

They will be back late Friday night - I miss them already and hope they have the time of their lives.  Meanwhile, Michele, Traig, and Ellie are hanging with Mikayla and I (Nati and her dad are off hunting).  Michele and I are tag-teaming the single parenting right now.  (Which means we are escaping to my bedroom with loads of leftover bad food...diets begin next week - watching football, reading our Kindles - and pretending we are still in Sunriver).

Couldn't resist uploading this Modern Family Match-Up - as both actors represent their alma mater in UO and Kansas State....

GO DUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Just got a text saying John and Brayden are in Phoenix, picking up their rental car - and indeed, having a blast! PTL!!!)

Sobering

I got the sweetest message in my Facebook from Tiffany today asking if I was okay.  I can't tell you how much it warmed my heart, that someone I've never met - and only know through my blogging community (just like Sara) - knows me well enough to sense if something might be off and cares enough to ask.

We are home now.  I have enough fodder for a final full day blog post about our fun in Sunriver.  I'll get around to that when I can get the computer and the camera for an extended period of time.  By far and away, we had the best weather/snow amount ever - which makes all the difference in truly feeling like you've escaped to a winter wonderland.  It was a very happy vacation -

A few things sobered us on our final day, though -

1)  Poor Whitley got sick.  She was up though most of Saturday night and only found comfort when she was held by Steph.  Consequently, they left a day early so they could be on "their own turf" when trying to comfort and care for their baby.  Anyone who's ever had a baby that's sick knows how hard it is, but just how much more stressful when you are in a new environment and self-conscious of the baby's crying keeping everyone up (which, for the record, it did not).  As of yesterday, she's feeling better, just sniffles to report. 

2) I got sick.  My headache began as a dull thud the night before we left - so I was hopeful a heating pad overnight would do the trick.  But, then that changed to ice on the couch in the middle of the night - and my full arsenal of pain killers upon waking.  None of it worked.  Eventually, I ended up in the hot tub, having dunked my head in the water so the below freezing temps would freeze my hair, to keep my head "on ice" for about 4 hours while the rest of the family faithfully packed up the house without any help from me.  (Michele nicely mentioned that it's about time I lose out on a "sucky part of life" due to my headaches vs. always missing out on the fun stuff!).  By the time we left, I was throwing up, relying on my daughter to dress me, and perfectly still on pillows for the roadtrip home.  Good times!!!!  Fortunately, and blessedly, by the time we got home, the worst had passed and I was functioning again as a semi-human being.  It's a good thing too, as very sadly, my mom was dealing with a similar scenario herself with tremendous neck pain.  Thankfully, she's now feeling better too...

3)  A friend of ours lost her brother.  Lisa S. - who you'll see in the Glory Days Post from a couple weeks ago, lost her brother to altitude sickness when he was climbing at 22,000 feet in Argentina.  It wasn't determined that he'd died until our return trip on Monday - as of Sunday, it was known that he was still on the mountain, sick and alone, as two of his buddies had returned to camp for help.  One of the buddies died as well from the same sickness.  My heart aches for their family....

So, that's all quite a reality check.   It made my desire to put up my final vacation blog post seem a little trivial.  Three years ago, we got a similar phone call/text on perhaps the same day on the calendar of another friend's brother-in-law passing away.  While vacations and "favorite days of our lives" happen, other folks are experiencing those days that will forever be marked as one of /the worst of their lives. 

Again, I can't imagine going through such seemingly helpless circumstances without the comfort of a Savior who's been through all of this pain and took it all upon Himself to give us the promise of a life everlasting free from this despair.

Final Full Day in Sunriver

A few shots of the happy dogs in our presence.  This was the first year that Bogey didn't come with us.  We miss that dog.  But, Travis and Steph felt like handling a baby was enough of a challenge without throwing in the needs of their beagle.  Understandable.  I had in my mind that perhaps this would be the last year of trying to take Sydney as she is quite the nightmare on long trips these days in the vehicle (she chewed through the brand new carrier we purchased on the way over), but then you see her in the snow, having the time of her life, and think there's no way we could leave her behind.

Baxter is SO cuddly....

I think Sydney is trying to make snow angels.

With every year that passes, the kids do a better and better job of packing, keeping themselves occupied and happy, - and this year they even learned how to put their dishes directly in the dishwasher!  We complained about the amount of stuff Mikayla insists on packing - such as these "school supplies" - but, when they pull them all out, you can't help but appreciate the fun of it and how much joy it brings them.  (You should have seen the girls' room though - at any given point during the week, it was ransacked with Barbies galore - and clothes and other toys covering every inch of carpet.  Needless to say, Michele and I found ourselves better off if we just didn't go upstairs to check it out...)

The hot tub was a source of fun too...I think the boys, at one point, spent two hours straight in the hot tub.  We kind of like it when they aren't there (at least as a group) when we are....they kind of disrupt the Kindle reading retreat we set ourselves up to have.

This was where John spent a good chunk of his time.  I think, at this point, he was working on next year's "Mens' Round-Up" graphics.  We had just finished watching "Men in Black 3" when this pic was taken.

A collection of the plethora of homemade cookies/treats we had waiting right outside the kitchen door for us.  While we did our best at plowing through them, we still ended up tossing out a ton.

Can you believe this pantry?  I am really very content with our little home in Eugene.  I think it is pretty ideal for our family.  But, I will admit that there's always a bit of a letdown coming home after staying at such a grand location for a week.  Between this pantry, the gourmet kitchen, the hot tub, the walk in closet in our room, the jacuzzi tub in the large bathroom, the double set of ovens, the laundry room....(I think you get my drift)...well, it takes a while to settle back in to reality upon return.

The boys, letting off a little steam and cabin fever....the dogs wanted so badly to be brought into the mix.

Happy 11th Birthday Mikayla!

ELEVEN YEARS OLD!?!  I'm sorry, but that just does not compute.  I feel like it was just yesterday I was skipping into the hospital, sending my son away with my parents, feeling like I was betraying him by adding a sister into his life.  Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined having a daughter as incredible as Mikayla - morphing into not only a beautiful young lady, inside and out, but someone I love to spend time with and can easily see the relationship shift into friendship as she reaches adulthood and my time as her "mommy" ebbs into a new role.  Of course, she's not yet a teenager - so, those of you with older daughters, please don't snicker in the knowledge of "just you wait" - but, certainly, I'm enjoying her more and more as each year goes on.  (But, golly, I wouldn't mind stopping at any point too!!!)

As is the tradition (which we are all about in Sunriver an at Christmas time), Mikayla requests caramel rolls and bacon for breakfast.  They had slushy Sunny D as well, courtesy of the jug being kept outside overnight.

Bowling is also on the docket for Mikayla's birthday, and this year we set out to be there when the place opened as it was a day full of college football bowl games, particularly the Alamo Bowl which matched up Oregon State University and Texas in the afternoon.

Our family was first to get loaded into our vehicle, prepared to make sure that "Mikayla's event" didn't cause us to be delayed in getting back to the house to watch football.  Unfortunately, the GPS on both John's phone and in John's vehicle had a different plan in mind.  Travis had clued us into a shortcut to get to "Lava Lanes" which would have had us there in about 25 minutes.  The route we went on took 90 minutes!!!!

At one point, when we had contacted Travis and confessed our disorientation, we thought we were on the right track - only to discover where the GPS had taken us - to a private rural driveway on "Lava Lane Drive".  SERIOUSLY?!!!  We were all supposed to get there at 10am (everyone else did....) - we showed up at 11am.  Fortunately, the rest of the crew were all in merry moods, not sweating the delay at all, and in fact were all laughing out loud at the text I sent reporting the above information to them along the way.

(And, for the record, our family was in pretty good spirits about it all - the scenery was gorgeous and adventure kind of comical - we just wanted to make sure we got Mikayla bowling on her birthday).

Here's a pic of "Lava Lane Drive" - based on the tracks, the rabbits like to hang out there!

Finally, we made it to the Lava Lanes that we had in mind.

Upon arriving, Whitley thought the whole thing was funny too.

Brayden's mood/attitude when he's at Sunriver is exceptional.  He's truly in his happy place - able to just chill and play to his heart's content.  Whether it was because of that, or just because he was being a very good big brother - he was especially attentive to his little sister and gave us all sorts of moments of wishing that this would be how they always got along....

That's Michele's rear end - not mine - 

Sporting the really hot shoes the bowling alley supplied.

Dressed ready to cheer on Beaver football!

A sweet father/son moment.

What a great birthday lunch, huh?  She was thrilled - that's all that counts!

Father/daughter bonding moment.

 

Pointing to the "11" on her ball - indicating her 11th birthday.

We got and she tore into her presents.  A new Bible, as she'd lost her other one (resulting in tears), a fun "Create-Your-Own" Daytimer (right up her alley) and American Girl volleyball clothing.

We are just about to sing "Happy Birthday" to her with candles in her requested "Peach Kuchen".  The snow is falling - a very happy day all around!